


I Should Go

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Remus is conflicted, Sad, Sad Remus Lupin, not much comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-25 00:29:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21347299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: Remus doesn't know how to cope with the loss of Sirius and is feeling conflicted with his emotions.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	I Should Go

**Author's Note:**

> based off the song "I should go" by Levi Kreis

The whiskey in his glass sloshed a bit, splashing a few drops onto the hard surface as Remus slammed it onto the table. He couldn’t bring himself to care, though. He really couldn’t be bothered to care about anything at the moment, especially ruining the stupid ornate table that was _honestly_ far too gaudy looking, even for a dining room. 

The whiskey was nice, though. Expensive—just like everything else in the house.

He started laughing. It was just so _funny_, really, that he was getting drunk all by himself in a house that screamed at him through portraits and had dark magic lurking about every corner. He should probably have his wits about him, but again, he didn’t care. Nothing really mattered anymore, did it? He was the last one. How ironic was that? He had out lived all of his friends and he was a bloody _werewolf_ who ripped himself apart once a month. What are the odds? 

_Peter could still be alive_, he thought idly. Though, maybe Peter didn’t count anymore. 

“Remus?” 

A small voice echoed through the hallway followed by the sound of careful footsteps and Remus felt the urge to laugh once more. Never had Tonks walked so timidly before, but now it was like she was trying to sneak up on a wild animal. 

Perhaps she was. 

His laughter gave him away, and soon Tonks was standing in the doorway, staring at him with a look of pity mixed with sorrow. Her bright pink hair was now a dull mousy color and Remus wanted to cry. 

“Remus,” she said again, making her way towards him. She took the seat next to him, albeit hesitantly, before resting her hand on his arm. He looked down at her palm resting there and felt himself wanting to push her away or pull her closer, but his mind couldn’t decide on what to do fast enough so he just stared. 

“You’ve been drinking.” Tonks said. It was more of a statement than a question and Remus shrugged.

“Yes. I have.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Remus scoffed. No, he did not want to talk about the fact that his last friend and first love was dead or _something_. Remus really wasn’t sure where Sirius’ spirit had gone after falling though the veil. Was he just…_falling_ for the rest of eternity? Or had Sirius Black finally found peace? Remus hoped for the latter.

“I know you cared about him…” Tonks spoke again, her hand gently giving his arm a squeeze. He stared again at her palm resting there and felt a pang of guilt in his heart. He felt like he was betraying Sirius somehow, betraying the love they once had. But Sirius had been gone for twelve years. They both had changed. And Sirius was gone again, this time for good and Remus felt like an absolute jackass for even _thinking_ about Tonks in any way other than a friend. 

He tried not to. Sirius was the one he loved, or at least some version of him. And the two of them were well on their way to becoming _something_ again, spending late nights at Grimmauld Place sharing their feelings and relearning one another. It had been painful, yet beautiful and Remus felt himself becoming whole again. And then Sirius fell through the veil and Remus watched as the dreams of he and Sirius being happy faded away once more. 

And Tonks was _here_. 

She always was there, now that he thought about it. They had grown close because of Order missions and Remus found himself immensely enjoying her company. She was wonderful, with an awkward laugh and bright smile, always lighting up the room with her company. She was so kind as well, never shying away from Remus because of his condition. And Remus felt _human_ around her. 

He hadn’t felt such a thing since he was sixteen years old, falling in love with another ex-member of the Black family. 

“I should go.” He murmured, pulling his arm away from her. The forlorn look on her face broke his heart but he couldn’t go there. Not now, perhaps not ever. It would be inappropriate. 

“Remus,” She said, as though his name was the only word she knew. He let out a breath, closing his eyes. He could see himself turning, grabbing hold of her and kissing her. He imagined her lips tasting like cotton candy, soft and sweet. Very different than the essence of cigarette smoke on Sirius’, but lovely all the same. He wouldn’t allow himself to find out.

“I should go.” He said, this time grabbing hold of his coat and shuffling towards to door. He didn’t know where he would go, there was no other place for him, but he couldn’t stay in that house with Sirius’ ghost haunting him and Tonks looking at him like that. He refused to be vulnerable again, refused to let himself fall.

He couldn’t bear anymore loss. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading   
come chat with me on tumblr @xomarauders


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